MCom 100w

Writing Workshop

Extra credit!

There’s something amiss in this news brief, which was published on the Lawrence Journal-World website. Can you identify the problem, and correct it?

Here’s the news brief:

6News Now: Jaeger preliminary hearing begins

In tonight’s 6News and tomorrow’s Lawrence Journal-World, police officers describe the horrific injuries a woman suffered last fall during the preliminary hearing of Matthew Jaeger, and more about a fire that damaged three homes in a mobile home park.

Please post your answer as a comment to this blog post. First correct answer earns you five points extra credit.

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3 thoughts on “Extra credit!

  1. lesrichman on said:

    Leslie Richman
    Mass Com – TR 10:30 a.m.
    Extra Credit for News Brief!
    LeslieDRichman@aol.com

    News Brief Extra Credit

    News Brief: “In tonight’s 6News and tomorrow’s Lawrence Journal-World, police officers describe the horrific injuries a woman suffered last fall during the preliminary hearing of Matthew Jaeger, and more about a fire that damaged three homes in a mobile home park.”

    So I’m going to try and take a swing at what I think may be wrong with this news brief. The problem that I found is dealing with passive and active voice. When reading the above news brief I found that it sounds like the “woman suffered horrific injuries while [she was] IN COURT.” Rewriting this news brief using active voice (making the subject act rather than being acted on) I believe would correct the problem.

    My Corrected News Brief: “In tonight’s 6News and tomorrow’s Lawrence Journal-World, a fire damages three homes in a mobile park; and horrific injuries a woman suffered last fall are described by police officers during the preliminary hearing of Matthew Jaeger.”

  2. Amber Simons on said:

    The news brief makes it seem as though a woman suffered horrific injuries during a preliminary hearing, which isn’t the case. If they wrote it this way it would make a lot more sense:

    Dring the preliminary hearing of Matthew Jaeger, police officers describe the horrific injuries a woman suffered last fall.

  3. cmccune on said:

    You got it! That’s 5 points extra credit for both Leslie and Amber.

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